JacobSanford.com

After a reccomendation from EK about trying Liberte’s Kefir probiotic drink, I got around to purchasing two. They run about $4 each and to describe the product, the site says:

In ancient times, East European nomads carried milk - of goats, sheep and other animals - in skin bags as they traveled from place to place. The fermentation that occurred in the bags turned the milk into a unique-tasting thick drink, today known as kefir.

It’s certainly not yogurt per-se, although it’s a fermented milk product.

I tried it and got that familiar ‘fermentation’ taste mixed with berry - almost like when a batch of berry juice starts to go bad in the fridge after a month. I’m sure you know what i mean. The pleasant side-effect I got was that the constant indigestion I’ve been having lately went away within 30 minutes of drinking half of it.

Anyhow, I think I’ll try to stick with drinking it, hopefully it’s an acquired taste.

Olivia doesn’t feel the same. After taking her first drink, she retched, farted loudly, and declared she would never have any more.

There’s a Starrrrmannnn waiting in the sky!

Dear generic Death Metal Band,

My name is Jake. I’m not a metalhead, I rarely wear black, and my hair is quite short and un-stringy/greasy. When I wear leather, it’s usually brown. My boots are of the skidoo variety. Any piercings I have had were accidental.

I hail from the tundra of New Brunswick in Eastern Canada - basically 500 miles north of Boston, which is where I have to travel to go anywhere in the United States anyhow. I mean, why are there never any muffins at the Dunkin’ Donuts in the Logan airport? And is it pronounced boss-tonne or bass-ten? I’ve always been confused after watching Good Will Hunting.

Sorry, back on track.

Anyhow, I am writing to say how I love your music. But I have a real problem with one specific aspect of it - the vocals. I’m not really sure what you’re trying to accomplish with those noises coming out of the ’singer’s’ mouth each time you feel the need to add lyrics to a song.

It’s actually difficult to cope with sometimes - a great track ruined by vocals that sound similar to noises I emit when cracking my back when I get up in the morning. Admittedly, I’d enjoy it if you did not use this same ‘torn vocal chord’ tone every single song.

I understand you want to sound evil - this goes with the whole genre. It’s very exciting. But there are several other ways to accomplish this task. I would like to suggest a few :

1) Lyrics sung by a boy’s choir.
2) Lyrics sung in the style of a opera aria
3) Simple spoken word - not screaming.
4) Robot style vocals

Something must have went wrong along the way - I hope I can right this wrong and improve your music genre. Remember, variety is the spice of life (or death in this case).

Sincerely,

Jacob Sanford

Today is the Day! It’s the day I have been waiting for - one with extreme happiness and joy. One with excitement about new opportunities and views.

One with endless possibilities.

Last night, I purchased a coffee maker, burr grinder, and spring water with my PC points and I now have a fully functional coffee bar in my office.

No more lead-infused water.
No more folgers crystals
No more black tar aroma
No more varying flavours
No more tumors in my stomach from all of the above.

It’s has all come to an end. Real coffee every day - and FRESH.

This has to be the greatest day in human written history. Possibly second after the day Pauly Shore was born.

BUT I WARN YOU, dear reader. There is something standing in the way of my eternal happiness today. It is marking.

It is the marking of the 86 physical chemistry labs I have to do.

Ok, I lied. I only have 8 - And they’re 80% marked already. But I still do not want to do it.