Dear generic Death Metal Band,

My name is Jake. I’m not a metalhead, I rarely wear black, and my hair is quite short and un-stringy/greasy. When I wear leather, it’s usually brown. My boots are of the skidoo variety. Any piercings I have had were accidental.

I hail from the tundra of New Brunswick in Eastern Canada - basically 500 miles north of Boston, which is where I have to travel to go anywhere in the United States anyhow. I mean, why are there never any muffins at the Dunkin’ Donuts in the Logan airport? And is it pronounced boss-tonne or bass-ten? I’ve always been confused after watching Good Will Hunting.

Sorry, back on track.

Anyhow, I am writing to say how I love your music. But I have a real problem with one specific aspect of it - the vocals. I’m not really sure what you’re trying to accomplish with those noises coming out of the ’singer’s’ mouth each time you feel the need to add lyrics to a song.

It’s actually difficult to cope with sometimes - a great track ruined by vocals that sound similar to noises I emit when cracking my back when I get up in the morning. Admittedly, I’d enjoy it if you did not use this same ‘torn vocal chord’ tone every single song.

I understand you want to sound evil - this goes with the whole genre. It’s very exciting. But there are several other ways to accomplish this task. I would like to suggest a few :

1) Lyrics sung by a boy’s choir.
2) Lyrics sung in the style of a opera aria
3) Simple spoken word - not screaming.
4) Robot style vocals

Something must have went wrong along the way - I hope I can right this wrong and improve your music genre. Remember, variety is the spice of life (or death in this case).

Sincerely,

Jacob Sanford